So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
