I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
