It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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