How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
