I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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