he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
