my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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