Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
