I can tuck mytits in my pants
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
