I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
