She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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