with your own penis?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
