She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
