I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
