plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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