I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are