I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?