How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby