yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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