Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
