I love having hate sex.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
