Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
