My liver just broke up with me...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
