plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize