Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
