last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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