he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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