I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
