First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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