guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
