Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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