No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
