my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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