I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
