just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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