Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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