Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
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we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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