I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
