I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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