Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
