I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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