Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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