so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
