If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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