No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
