I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
