i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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