seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
