i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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