i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
