Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
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You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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