The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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