i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
