Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
