ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm like, not good at living.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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