Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
