idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just threw up on my dentist
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
