what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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