K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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