toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
